Teach Why Chores Need to Be Done Well
© 1998 Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

This is how I see chores. What is written here is intended to help. I can’t offer any guarantees that you will have success because I do not know you. If you have trouble understanding or need further help and live in the Colorado Springs area, give me a call to set up a professional appointment.

THERE ARE TWO REASONS FOR CHORES:

1. To do their part in helping the family do what it needs to do.

2. To learn to be an adult by the age of 18.

Reason One: TO DO THEIR PART IN THE FAMILY

Things need to get done in a family and everyone needs to chip in at their age and skill level. Infants can’t help, but toddlers can begin to feel good about helping the family succeed, even if some things they do needs to be done over after they have gone off to play.

Some people say, "Let kids be kids!" – and I agree. What we do not agree on is that I believe kids can be kids and learn that being a kid includes contributing to the family. If done correctly, they will enjoy helping, if not in enjoying the actual doing of the chore, certainly in contributing to the family and helping others be happy.

We are constantly teaching our children. If we do not expect them to help early on, then later they will be confused as to why they now need to help. They will think that it is the parents who are to do all the work. Later they may resist changing the rules just because they are older.

Yet, even in a family where the parents have catered too much to the needs of the kids and not taught them how to work, the family rules can be changed. Parents can call a family meeting and apologize for not teaching their teenagers to work when they were little. Then they can quietly and calmly explain that things need to change for two reasons -- first because the teens have only a few years left to learn how to work and keep a job and second because they (the parents) are tired of doing it all.

Reason Two: TO LEARN TO BE A RESPONSIBLE AND EMPLOYABLE ADULT

Many kids grow up without confidence that they can work, handle multiple responsibilities and solve problems. This can come from not having to do many chores. So many parents undermine their children’s self-confidence by not expecting them to do chores at their age level. It is very important to believe in our kids. We do this by expecting from them what they are capable of at their age.

It is so easy as parents to shelter our kids from the reality that adulthood comes some day. We make it possible for them to do everything possible that is fun and do all the work for them at home. But we have to be careful, because that usually teaches them that life is all fun and no work -- at least for them. Some even grow up to think that life owes them a good time with no responsibility. Then they lose jobs and get kicked out of apartments. Maybe they lose a love relationship by using the other person to do all of their dirty work. In the back of their mind they know that they should be responsible because all around them people have to knuckle down and do chores. But in the front of their mind they may be confused because their parents did all the chores so that they could have fun. So, they wonder, why doesn’t the landlord cut me some slack, why doesn’t my girlfriend (or wife) leave me alone to do whatever I want to do and just do the work herself, or why is my boss so particular how the job is done?

ENFORCING CHORES BY TEACHING RATHER THAN "GETTING AFTER"

Yell at your kids if you do not want them to learn:

that it is reasonable to have to contribute to the family,
                                           or
that they need to learn to work and be responsible.

If you emphasize harsh punishment (rather than firm discipline delivered gently and quietly in order to teach), then your younger children will think about their fear of you and your teens will think about their anger toward you. But you want them to think about what you are teaching them – how to work. So your message has to be wrapped in love, firmness and clear explanations.

Teaching is more effective if it is done when you and your child are feeling loved and close to one another -- not when there has been an infraction or poor performance on a chore. For example, when the kitchen has been cleaned inadequately by your teenage son, you can calmly say, "I’m sorry John, but you will have to do the kitchen over. Try to keep your mind on what you are doing so that it is clean enough and does not have to be done again." If he wants to argue, state that you will have time tomorrow after school for the discussion, but that he will just have to go into the kitchen and that you hope he does a good job. Then walk away, communicating that the discussion is over.

Then after school the next day, you and he can sit down and have a good chat about contributing to the family. You can discuss his contribution to the health of the family by doing a good job of cleaning the kitchen. You can add his aesthetic contribution by putting things in order and cleaning off counters, etc. You will then also be able to express your concern that he learn how to do exceptional work so that, in the future, he is the one kept at a job he really likes when there is a layoff.

Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Colorado Springs, Colorado