Dialogue
© 1998 Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

Note: I wish I could guarantee results, but success depends on many factors. Do the best you can, and let's hope you have success.

DIALOGUE IS MERELY ASKING QUESTIONS OF EACH OTHER OUT OF CURIOSITY IN ORDER TO BETTER KNOW THE OTHER PERSON.

Dialogue is probably the finest of communication skills. Learning to do it gives people critical skills to build warm, loving relationships. Dialogue is critical to understanding one another and resolving conflicts.

1. PEOPLE HATE TO BE CRITICIZED OR ARGUED WITH ABOUT THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT THEMSELVES.

Dialogue is the kind of talking that leads people to understand each other. It is not used to change people. However, when people feel listened to and understood, then they are willing to listen to how you see things. This leads to more change than arguing, or even discussion.

2. THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION.

SOCIAL TALK: This includes the greetings we give to each other in passing or when we first meet.

SPEAKING FACTS: This is usually pretty safe talk. We talk about things that are fairly indisputable or can be verified. This includes talking about something someone did or the baseball game or what squirrels eat for breakfast. Things like that are easy to talk about but do not build much closeness between people. Unfortunately, this is often all that two married people talk about because they think communication is dangerous because they don't know how to do it right. To keep the relationship safe (but lonely), they only speak facts.

SHARING THOUGHTS AND IDEAS: When people do this they risk. When the other person accepts their thoughts and ideas (listens and does not argue), trust begins to build. "Accepting" what another person thinks does not mean that you agree, only that you accept that he or she has the right to think his or her own way.

EXPOSING INTERNAL FEELINGS: Telling another person your feelings is very intimate and personal. It is also very risky. Trust has to be established that the other person will not reject those feelings by saying that they are silly or unfounded or untrue. People's feelings are the most personal part of them, and are often deeply rooted in their past experiences and values.

Dialogue usually includes these last two types of talking, sharing thoughts and ideas as well as feelings and values. Therefore, it is important to follow these basic ground rules:

(1) No arguing, criticizing, objecting.

(2) Listen in order to understand the other person, not to change him or her.

(3) Ask lots of questions (usually "why?") to clarify what is being communicated.

(4) Solve problems only after much dialogue has produced deeper understanding.

(5) Refrain from giving advice or breaking in with your own thoughts or feelings on the subject. (When the other person is through - can no longer answer any more

questions or you can think of no more - you can ask permission to share your

feelings and thoughts about the subject (but not about how the other person said things!)

DIALOGUE IS MERELY ASKING QUESTIONS

OF EACH OTHER OUT OF CURIOSITY

IN ORDER TO BETTER KNOW THE OTHER PERSON.

EXAMPLE OF DIALOGUE:

One of you asks the other what she likes best about the forest. She says, "Sitting by a stream." You were asking if she liked the trees, the animals, or something, and it does not seem to you that she answered your question. But she answered the question as she understood it. Correcting her will make her feel talking is dangerous, so do not say anything. Go with what she has said. Ask, "Why is sitting by a stream your favorite thing?" She might answer, "I like to listen to the water flowing."

If you keep asking, "Why?" or "What kind?" or "How?" or other simple clarifying questions, you will eventually get to a deeper understanding of the other person.

You might ask again, "Why do you like to listen to the water flowing?" (If you think like many of us do, that everyone is the same and likes to listen to water flowing for the same reason, watch out! People do all sorts of things for many different reasons.)

She responds, "Listening to the water flowing over the rocks takes my mind off things I worry about." Now you are at that deeper level where you can really learn what life is like for her, so don't tell her she shouldn't worry. She is starting to spill her guts and trust is building. Soon enough you will be able to help her. Understand her first!

You ask, "What kinds of things do you worry about that the river takes away?" If she says, "I don't want to talk about it" or looks uncomfortable, back off and tell her that you can see it is difficult for her. Then ask her if she is ready to ask you a question about one of the listed items.

Or you can ask any number of other questions such as, "Do you have a favorite river you like to sit next to?"

Don't hurry dialogue. Look at all you are learning about her/him! It's a lot cheaper than going to the movies - and it accomplishes something worthwhile - a lot of closeness and trust.

HERE ARE A FEW SAMPLE DIALOGUE STARTERS. THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER MORE DEEPLY.

IF YOU BEGIN TO ARGUE, EITHER STOP FOR A DAY OR TWO OR GO ON TO ANOTHER ITEM.

THE INFORMATION YOU LEARN ABOUT EACH OTHER CAN BE INVALUABLE IN CEMENTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

HOW TO USE THESE DIALOGUE STARTERS

One person tells his or her answer (completes the statement) and the other person asks clarifying questions. Then the other person answers the same statement and the other person asks clarifying questions.

Clarifying questions can be:

WHY? WHAT FOR? HOW? WHEN? HOW COME?

WHERE? IN WHAT WAY? WHAT? EXPLAIN TELL ME MORE

My favorite time of day is ...

The chore I like best is ...

The chore I like least is ...

On weekends I like to ...

I wish I had a magic ring that ...

My favorite holiday is ...

I wish people would not ...

If I were invisible, I would like to ...

The kind of book I like to read is ...

I know when someone likes me because ...

My favorite thing to do with you is ...

My favorite romantic evening is ...

Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Colorado Springs, Colorado