Ages of Children and the Chores They Should Do
© 1998 Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

There is a delicate balance in assigning chores to children. On the one hand, they need to be chores that the child can actually do. And on the other hand, they can be chores that they do not yet know how to do well.

The Child Must Be Able to Do the Chore

Obviously, a 5-year-old cannot easily wash dishes and a twelve year old cannot balance the family checkbook. But the five year old can learn to wipe off the dinner table and the twelve year old can learn to plan the expenditure of the family weekend recreation budget. And while a seventeen year old cannot contract with a painting contractor to paint the inside of the home, he or she can find three companies, get estimates and make a recommendation on who to use.

So when you are assigning chores, make sure that they are age-appropriate. Start with the toddler helping to pick up toys and wiping up spilled milk. Then work up from there. By the time a youngster is 18, it would be wise for him or her to have had chores in doing almost everything that he or she will need to do as a beginning adult. This includes planning the family vacation, paying the family bills, balancing the checkbook, and planning a week’s menu for the family, including shopping at the grocery store.

You want to set the child up for success. Assigning chores that are too difficult will give your son or daughter a feeling of discouragement. You don’t want that. However, at first you can assign something that he or she can do good enough to get by. Then keep him or her practicing the chore until it is done almost perfectly. Each improvement is a success leading to the ultimate success of a job perfectly done.

You will not want to criticize a child for the job done. You can critique the job without discouraging the worker. When a child does not live up to his or her potential, it can be presented just that way. For example, you can say something like, "You didn’t do your usual good job. Is something troubling you? Or were you in too much of a hurry because your favorite television program was about to start?" Then solve the problem rather than get after your son or daughter. Ask, "What could you do differently so that you do a good enough job to not have to do it over and miss your television program?" As much as possible, let them solve the problem. Only offer an answer when they cannot think of a solution.

If is important that all of your children above the age of two contribute to the family in the way of chores, even though the two year old will be doing only token things. Each of your children wants to be valuable to the family and to feel good that he or she can also give rather than just receive. However, it is important to not give so many chores that your kids feel used rather than contributing their fair share. You don’t want your kids to resent working. You also do not want to give too few chores and teach your kids that they are not valuable, robbing them of the confidence that comes from being able to do hard things and things that are undesirable.

Help Them "Grow Into" Chores

You can assign chores that a child can at the present time in his or her life do only moderately well. If they do it so poorly that you have to do the whole job over, then you risk communicating the message that they are not capable. But if they can do a job you can live with temporarily, then get them started learning how to do it.

When you start off with your two year old, the chore will likely be helping you to pick up things and do simple tasks. Since you are doing them together, it should be rewarding. Have fun. Don’t criticize or react harshly. You are beginning to teach the important lesson that work can be fun -- not dangerous. Therefore, if your child doesn’t do it right, don’t treat it like he or she is an ax-murderer. Instead, realize that he or she just needs to be taught how to do it right. Teach it gently and remember that lessons are rarely taught by showing how to do something just once. This is equally true for working with your teenagers.

Some chores may seem a bit overwhelming when first assigned. When that happens, make sure to tell your child that you will help him or her succeed. Then make sure that you do. That’s parenting!

Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Colorado Springs, Colorado