Step One: Define the 5 to 10 characteristics you must have in a marital partner.

Step Two: Identify where such a person might be found and "go hunting".

Step Three: Test those characteristics on or before the first date to avoid the blindness of "falling in love" (infatuation that clouds your judgment) which can lead to disaster.

Step Four: Get out of the relationship as soon as you see the person does not have all the things you must have.

1.   A Christian so that my faith and values are unhindered.
2.   Someone who will love my children and be a positive influence in their lives.
3.   Does not lose his/her temper or act abusive in any way (like my last spouse).
4.   Someone who does not avoid dealing with problems.
5.   A person who can be affectionate in ways that are important to me.
6.   Generous person (like my mother was).
7.   A person who will carry his/her weight financially and with chores.
8.   A person who will help me be the person I want to be and not hold me back.
9.   Someone who is not critical (like my father was).
10. Enjoys the out of doors.

Note that more superficial desires were not listed. They can be listed, but only after you are really sure you have listed the really important things. Superficial things might be blue eyes, likes to play cards, etc, if those are not essential ingredients of your critical lifestyle.

A great way to make this list is to think of the most painful things that have happened and write down the opposite as a "must have quality". You can also list the most admired behavior(s) of your parents, especially the parent of the opposite sex.

Step Two: Identify where such a person might be found and "go hunting".

The kind of person described by your list of "must haves" will frequent certain places and not others. You have to go find the person who is good for you. He or she will not show up and knock on your door.

There are a couple of ways to find the person who has all of the things on your list.

Probably the best way is to give your list to your family and friends. These are the people who should be most careful in recommending anyone to you. And, here is another consideration: my theory is that some of the very best people are hiding because they feel responsible for the failure of a previous marriage, even if they were the good partner. These people are hard to find, staying home except to go to work. But they are somebody's neighbor or they work someplace where one of your friends might work.

The trick to doing your own "hunting" is to figure out where people like you are looking for can be found. For example, if you are a woman who loves the out-of-doors, you might want to join a hiking club or take a fly fishing course. If you are a man looking for a woman who wants a good home life, take a cooking class or go to quilting shows. If you want a person who is compassionate, attend service clubs or volunteer in some program to help people or the community. (Conversely, if you want to avoid a heavy drinker, don't meet a person in a bar.)

A note to Christians: Just because a person goes to church does not mean that they will live their life in a Christian way, or the way you need to fit in with your Christian lifestyle.

Keep in mind that if you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, it is worth the time and effort to hunt long and hard.

And, you sure don't want to waste a lot of time on losers or people who are not what you need. Step 3 shows you how to check out and test another person.

Step Three: Test those characteristics on or before the first date to avoid the blindness of "falling in love" (infatuation that clouds your judgment) which can lead to disaster.

Testing the potential partner's qualifications to be a good spouse is absolutely necessary. Marriage is the most costly thing in life - you give your whole self to get something you really and truly need. And, you don't want to overlook any detriment that the person might be hiding, intentionally or unintentionally. It is your life you are giving away – your lifestyle, your peace of mind, and your future.

The biggest problem to being relatively sure of a person's character is the blindness that comes from "falling in love" or the desire to be with a person. So, testing is best done before you become too close to another person. (If you are already in a relationship, you can still test who that person really is, but you should include trusted friends and family because your objectivity has been compromised.)

It is absolutely fair for you to test a person's character before giving your life to him or her. Do not get hung up by the fact that you will be intentionally scutinizing the person. Tell the person outright that you are interested in finding out who he or she is before a relationship starts (or taking the relationship further). Explain that you are not a teenager driven by hormones, but a smart adult being careful. If he or she objects, get rid of him/her right away. This is a mature process and if the person is not mature enough for it, or if he/she objects to you watching out for yourself, get rid of the person.

If you are in any danger of falling in love or being trapped by the person, cut off all contact. If you are a person who hates to hurt people's feelings or wants everybody to be your friend, resist the temptation to continue the relationshp as a "friend". You don't need to have a lot of relationships with people of the opposite sex taking up your time when you are hunting for the right person.

Here is the major principle in testing another person's character: history. Everyone over the age of 25 has a history, and that history will expose his or her character. Using questions, somewhat disguised about what character trait is being tested whenever possible, it is possible to get a much better analysis of character. If a person has a consistent history of being a certain way, that is the way he or she should be viewed. A person who reports a history of continually encouraging a past wife or husband to achieve is likely to be a truly encouraging person. A person who has a history of losing his temper will most likely continue to do so later in the relationship when he or she is not in good behavior to impress. A report of going to "anger management classes" and a commitment to be better or to change is foolish to trust when it is your life on the line.

If you just have to give the other person a chance, something I do not recommend, a very long relationship before lifetime commitment might allow you to test good intentions. But, even then, good behavior must be tested (such as treating a person intentionally poorly to see if temper emerges).

Let me give an example of testing a man on the first date. A single mom with two grade school aged children must find a man who will accept, love and be involved positively with those kids. So, on the first date or before, she asks the guy if he likes children. He will say, "yes" and she won't know if he is lying to make a good impression. However, the question is not the "test", it is just setting up the test. Then she asks him, "Who are the children you are involved with?" If he has been putting up a false story, he will be stunned by the question or appear to be giving a "sales job". The next question will ask if he has nephews or nieces (or even children of his own). Once the children in his life are listed, she will ask, "What do you do with each of those kids?" The answer should show if he really invests in the kids in his life, if he just gives himself incredible credit for little effort, or if he is lying to impress her. She will then ask, "What struggles do each of those children face and how have you helped?" The answers to these questions will give a pretty good indication if he is "father material."

Another example might be a man whose last wife cheated on him. What is most important to him is that the woman who joins him in life will not be unfaithful. This man will ask the new woman about her history with men. She may relate that she was married to an awful guy and the marriage fell apart. As part of the test, the man will ask, "That's tough. Did you fall into a relationship with any other man during the bad times?" The man might even lie for a minute or two and say, "It's normal for someone in that situation to be unfaithful." to draw out a hidden unfaithfulness. If the woman exposes her distaste at unfaithfulness even in light of a horrible relationship, she passes the test. Then the man, because he has ended up looking tolerant of marital unfaithfulness, will need to tell her that he was testing her and is not at all tolerant of unfaithfulness for any reason. He will explain that he was cheated on and would not cheat or ever want to be cheated on again.

Let me say it again. It is acceptable to be a little devious to test a person as long as afterward you explain what you were doing. It is necessary because we live in an age where people, like politicians, put a "spin" on what they say to hide who they really are. Morals, beliefs and behaviors are relative to what you want. (Stealing is right unless you are caught. Lying is okay if it gets you what you want. Etc.) For example, if a character trait you must have in the other person requires you to act like its opposite is acceptable to see if it is abhorent in the other person, that has to be momentarily okay. If the one being tested thinks the one doing the testing is okay with the secretly dreaded behavior or character attribute, honestly will likely expose the truth. For example, a person who wants a very commited Christian can propose that he or she feels it is all right to not take the teachings of the Bible "too seriously", when that is not his or her position. In this example, the man or woman will readily agree that biblical truth is not that important and will expose that he or she is not what is desired. This would then lead into Step Four.

Step Four: Get out of the relationship as soon as you see the person does not have all the things you must have.

Breaking things off right away is critical for three reasons: (1) you must excape the relationship to keep from beginning to feel strongly for the other person and getting trapped for a few months to all of the rest of your life; (2) you don't have time to waste; and (3) you don't want to miss the Right Person because you are involved with the Wrong Person when the moment of opportunity shows up..

Some people are people pleasers and others are afraid to be "rude", so they do not take care of themselves and get out of a relationship, often because of the persuasiveness of the other person. Don't be this way. You are very important. Just because the other person loves you or must have a relationship with you, that does not mean it obligates you to continue the relationship. Their problem is their problem, not yours..

So, ending the relationship is as easy as telling the other that he or she is a nice person but without the things you are looking for. The person might ask what is on your list, but that is none of his/her business. So, just say, "I'm sorry but the list of what I must have in a person is my secret. I use my list to watch out for myself. I am sorry if you are disappointed. But, if you are not the person I need, then I am not the person you need."

If someone just won't take "no" for an answer, you will have to tell him or her that he or she will have to accept your "no" and you are not to be contacted again. Tell him or her that if you meet someone looking for someone like him or her, you will get in touch. (That often gets him or her off your back.) Occasionally, you will have to suggest he or she get help from friends or a professional counselor to handle disappointment and get over you.

click here for a printer friendly printable copy